The broken one brings happiness
This post is also available in: Български (Bulgarian)
We are taught to keep ourselves safe. The instinct for self-preservation works flawlessly when you get burned once.
When you are 16 you don’t have this knowledge, there is no belt that holds you back and you keep jumping as high as possible. When you are 20, perceptions begin to work differently – you have already tasted the sweet and the bitter, you have seen both the dark and the bright. When you pass the 30s, life gradually begins to acquire true shape and direction. You feel the need to make choices, feel the weight of the luggage you are carrying with you. As if from nowhere this will awaken trials and will rise questions that will not give you peace, because somehow the universe awaits your decision.
Whichever crossroad you face, the choice always comes down to whether you will keep on going on the safe side or you will jump into the unknown.
No matter If we are talking about love, relationships, career, life path. We often wrap our own fears in glossy and noble paper with the inscription “I do it because it is right” or “I do this because I don‘t want to hurt you.” But there, behind this lining, lies the naked truth about how fragile we are and how we try to protect ourselves. Protective mechanisms of the brain work unmistakably when they recognize a signal for a danger on the horizon. If it is true that the soul remembers the knowledge of past lives and chooses where to continue, so that she learns what she has to learn – is she afraid too? Or actually she is the one that pushes us in the direction we have to go? The consciousness, the body, the ego, the models, the fears – how much do they hinder us and how much they help us?
So far, one of the things that frightened me the most was exactly the broken one. Soon after, I realized that one of the worst things ever is the fear itself. The fear of being hurt emotionally or physically. The fear of breaking your heart, breaking your head with stubbornness, the fear of breaking the past, the fear of breaking the pattern, of releasing the relationships that have run out. Fears have tremendous power over us, and if we do not recognize them, realize them, and face them, they become blockades, they start to look like a snow ball that is chasing us, getting bigger and bigger and always reaching us, no matter how fast we run.
One of the most releasing and generous things that one can do is to fight and overcome his fears. I was exactly 30 years old when I first jumped on ski. I was petrified, I did not know how to move, my knees were trembling, but I didn’t stop. I was 31 years old when I first felt the pain of the broken heart. I could feel the physical pain and the symptoms. I the cocktail of feelings and emotions, the wounded ego, the betrayal and the fact that I couldn‘t prepare for this “lightning strike” made me sick. I was 32 years old when I decided to quit my job and look for my purpose, satisfaction and happiness somewhere beyond the boundaries of the comfort zone. I thought about that thousand times, postponed it, conjured myself, cried, but eventually I risked it. At the same age, again for a first time, I tried flyhigh yoga. I was hanging on a belt attached to the ceiling, totally losing the idea of what is up and down, loosing the ground and the stability, not realizing what I could actually do with my body.
What I learned from all these experiences is that the more you try to protect yourself, the more unhappy you get. If you want to live your life fully, if you choose yourself, then you just have to fight the fear – the big one, the fear of all those little and not so little things that you want, but you don’t have the courage to do. You can do it slow, you can do it fast, the trick is just to start. I have learned that there is nothing scary about losing security, moving freely, going boldly and letting go of what you do not belong to. I realized that actually the broken isn’t scary, but on the contrary it brings happiness. The question is how do we look at it, not how does it look like. The question is when the next time comes, whether we will still pack our essence in the glossy and noble paper to protect ourselves or we will not be afraid anymore. Because life is not getting easier, we become stronger. Only through the experience of life in which we venture without fear can we learn to govern the speed, to keep the balance. Only that way we continue to believe, we keep loving and we let ourselves being loved. Everything else is a cage – comfortable, secure and familiar. And whatever we do with it, it will always be just a cage through which we look at the world.